a little bit of self exploration

So I had a little panic attack this afternoon. I got really tense, ornery and cranky very suddenly for no particular reason. It both concerned and bothered me and I want to figure out the cause. So i decided that the best way to do so was to "talk it out" in my blog.

We'll start with a review of my day.... You see, today was a reading day so I planned out my day and felt good about it all. Then i wake up, check my e-mail and realize that my boss needed me to come into the office for her sometime today. Normally, not a problem but i had to be back home by 12 and it was already 9:30. I rushed getting ready, skipped showering and eating breakfast and hurried up to campus. She needed me to take some "non copyrighted" pictures so i spent the next hour walking around campus, trying to be creative. the good news is that she said they were perfect (go me!). I finished that project just in time to come home and make brownies for maria's bridal shower party. Unfortunately the kitchen was a disaster zone so i spent the next hour doing dishes while chelsea (thanks chels!) made the brownies. Next was the bridal shower...lots of fun! but before i knew it, it was almost 3 and i hadn't accomplished even one thing that i had planned to do today. That's when the panic started. I checked my e-mail and found one from an old friend so i read that... only to find that it dealt with some issues that i didn't really want to be thinking about at the time. Then i received a text from a friend who wanted to set up a group study time some time soon. So i set off to try and coordinate 4 peoples schedules and find a time that would work. at the same time, i was talking online to a co-worker and thinking about a potential problem arising regarding our work party tomorrow. that reminded me that i still needed to go to the grocery store which i had completely forgotten about. At the same time (yes, i usually multi task) i was talking to a friend about planning another party and realized i needed to go shopping for that. There is also a lunch i am trying to plan with a group of friends, but they aren't being cooperative. I was also thinking about boys and the complications that they bring and the fact that i still have concerns about relationships that stem back to how things went with ryan. At the same time my mom called to say that she had looked over a scholarship essay that i sent her and had "many" corrections for me. The essay deadline is quickly approaching and i really need to get it done so that i can eat next year. On top of all of that my friend told me that there is a "secret surprise" that i can't know about until tomorrow. I don't like not knowing things, so that didn't go over well. I'm not sure, but i think that is enough to make anyone stress out. or maybe its just me who couldn't handle it. :-\

The most frustrating part was the fact that i reacted so negatively. I'm usually pretty good at handling stress (if i do say so myself). So i don't know what happened!! all i know is that there are a few things i learned/relearned/realized about myself....

1. i like structure. thats why i schedule my days with such detail
2. i don't like when things don't go as planned.
   
3. i like knowing whats going on... it makes me feel important and i'm needy like that
4. i don't like texting about plans. it takes to long to get answers
5. i like making lists because they help me stay organized but if i forget something, its bad news
   
6. i don't like how emotionally polar i can be sometimes
7. i like writing blogs
8. i don't like how they might make me come off (emotional, crazy, weak, a whiner, etc etc)
   
9. i like that i made a pattern in this list
10. and i like that i am going to end with likes (dislikes are so negative!)