Saturday, May 24, 2008

A wedding a day in may

"a wedding a day in may" That may sound to you like the title of some new series on TLC or HGTV or something. but to me it just sounds like my life. Okay, i haven't been to a wedding everyday this month, but i HAVE been to quite a few. Between my friends and eric's friends we've been to quite a few receptions lately. Two just today in fact and one every previous weekend. Its interesting to see how different they all are. If i was smart, i would be making notes (of the none-mental variety so i could actually remember them) of all the things i like from each one. It would make it a lot easier for... ten years from now... when i get married. simple things like; dancing, music, food, table clothes, cake, cutting the cake, formal vs relaxed, etc etc. Unfortunately i have not and thus i will be stuck planning from a blank slate should the need ever arise.

Speaking of weddings... i leave in 10 days to go to Oregon for brittany's wedding! I never thought june would get here (although i'm sure brittany's wait has felt much longer). It will be nice to be at home for some time. catch up with the parentals and my lil' bro, etc. also it will be the start of a 2 week "vacation" from work. I won't come back to utah until the next monday morning. And then, I'm not sure how this is going to work yet, but on that Tuesday i am volunteering as a mentor for the Utah Youth Leadership Summit. I'm so excited for that! I decided that, among other things, one thing thats been missing in my life lately is service/volunteering. Last fall i volunteered at the state hospital and it added so much to my quality of life. When winter semester got busy i just stopped and never found anything to replace it. So hopefully that will help me find balance again. So yeah, that will be at the University of Utah and will last 3 days. I'll finally get back to provo (and work) on friday. I'll probably have SOO much stuff to catch up on at work...i'm already dreading it.

After i get back, i'll have a week in utah and then i'm planning on going to Vegas for the weekend. (those details are still to be ironed out... and i'm kinda worried because i was planning on driving, but i don't know if my car will make it). Brittany is having her vegas reception on the 20th and i really want to be there for that. Then i come back and start Summer classes on monday. I have yet to talk to my bosses about my work load for the summer term, but its very possible that i'll be working 40 hours in the library on top of going to school full time. yikes. I'll do a month and a half of that fun schedule until summers over. OH.... THEN IT GETS GOOD! next fall i'll start my internship. I'm not sure where its going to be yet, but i'm SOOO excited. I tried to get the one at the hospital but i hear that one is usually only for MSW internships, so we'll see. I'll also be back in classes learning interesting things and thinking deep thoughts. The internship will consume the next 2 semesters until i graduate! Thats right ladies and gentlemen, in less than i year i will be graduated with a real degree and then.. well...then i have to grow up and live in the real world. (shudders) man thats a scary thought. But i just got SO excited for the future and all the fun i will be having in the next 10 months. There are some other things that i would like to have happen, but for now I've covered the big/important things. Oh, and i'll turn 21! that is definitely an important event.

Alright friends, with all the traveling i will be doing and all the rest of the free time i will have this next month i want suggestions for books i should read. good books. books that will make me think but not cause me great difficulties reading them. books that will open my eyes without totally corrupting my innocence. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for (maybe a good church book or real-life novel) All i know is that my brain needs the stimulation and i miss learning and thinking and wondering about life. so if you have any suggestions, send them my way!

much loves to you all!!

p.s. i know i haven't posted many pictures lately, and it may be boring, but hopefully you can forgive me. I'll think of something interesting to post about soon and base it off a picture.

Monday, May 19, 2008

you don't need disneyland when your life is a roller coaster

confession: I've never actually been on a real roller coaster (well, thats a lie, i went on one inside the mall of america... but...yeah. it was inside a mall). sad. i know. but let me tell you that i sure do experience enough roller coasters with my emotions to be fully satisfied. seriously. I can't even count the number of times that my emotions went up. and down. and back up. only to go back down again tonight. and all of this since getting home from work at 7 oclock. it is literally driving me crazy! I'm hoping i can get out a few thoughts before trying to go to sleep. I don't like laying in bed upset because it just brews and builds and although life looks better in the morning, it can get pretty dreary looking late at night.

Why am i in a crummy mood? I don't even know. which, in fact, is even more frustrating. I mean, i can pin point little things that contribute to my mood, but nothing major enough. It just makes me feel stupid. I'm not even PMS-ing! Although i wish i was, because that would be a good excuse. Here are a few of the things that i've let get into my head.

1....the false idea that if someone doesn't tell you something its because they don't like/don't trust you. My freshman year i recognized that one thing that is important to me/validates me is that people are willing to disclose themselves to me. I like when people trust me. it makes me feel good. and naturally, the opposite makes me feel horrible.

2...that i've lost 20 years worth of experiences with my older brother. I regret not being as close to him as i should have and i don't know how to change it. Tonight i especially felt guilty for not writing him more while he was on his mission. David will leave soon and i'm scared that i will do the same. i don't want to, but i'm afraid that my human nature will get the best of me. why am i such a wimp?

3.... eric and i were looking at some things regarding EFY and i started to feel really really jealous that i never went. It seriously looks like so much fun and i missed out on it. I also resent that it is yet another thing that i can't relate to. Eric will spend all summer being a counselor and all i can do is wish that i knew what he was experiencing and try to understand.

4.... the first thing that rubbed me the wrong way tonight (ironic that i choose to mention it last) relates to the fact that i am "the time nazi". (Elise, do you still have that drawing? you should scan it and post it). We were leaving for FHE and we were like.. 10 minutes late and i go so frustrated (sorry tausha and kait). sometimes i just need to take a chill pill.

Well, the good news is that i do feel better. There is still a pain inside of me that i can't pinpoint, its the one that makes me feel like i want to cry. hopefully it will be gone when i wake up, but i fear it won't.

ugh.. i have another thing. 5) it frustrates me that all my blogs are so negative because i only write when i need the release. it makes me sound like such a...a...girl. and ugh, i feel like i should be above that.

goal: next blog will be happier.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Greetings again. Its been a while, hasn't it? I'm at work at the ref desk again and decided I should take some time to write in my blog. 1) because its better than cataloging music scores and 2) because I'm sure you (my beloved fan base) have been anxiously awaiting another post and 3) because i miss writing. I'm actually quite disappointed in myself for the lack of writing so far this summer. I had grand ideas about how much I would blog and how fun it would be and how therapeutic it would be for me. I also had great expectations about how much fun summer would be in provo. How much free time i would have since I'm not in classes and how many fun things i could do outside. Now i know that the summer has just started, but I'm feeling let down. I rarely have free time, and when i do, i'm too exhausted to do much. and i have yet to play outside. Maybe my expectations were too high, maybe I'm just not motivated enough to reach them. Whatever the reason, things aren't working out as planned. and in my book, that is the worst feeling ever. Now i want to make it clear that just because they aren't working out as planned, does NOT mean they are not working out. Because they are! I really don't have much to complain about. I'm working 40 hours a week and although its tiring, i still like my job (most days). and thats a blessing in and of itself. I've just decided that i don't do well with unreached expectations. And if you know me well enough to read my blog, you probably know me well enough to know that I plan... A LOT. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to realize that I'm inevitably leading myself to disappointment.

Speaking of disappointment, I disappointed myself big time today. Here is the story:

Once upon a time there was a girl, we will call her Kirsten, and she was walking up to campus to go to work. On her way she saw many great and wondrous things. This story is about one such thing. You see, she passed by a boy and a girl riding on a bike; a tandem bike. and they looked so happy. The guy was singing "oh i wish i were an Oscar Meyer wiener" and the girl said hi to Kirsten as she walked by. They looked so happy. Well, as one might expect that catchy song instantly got stuck in Kirsten's head. It took a few minutes for her to even notice that she was singing it...over and over again. but it was when she noticed that the disappointment set in. Now you may be asking yourself, "why is that disappointing??" Well, let me tell you why. Because when Kirsten noticed the song, she also noticed that she was NOT smiling, nor was she happy. In fact, she feel like a grump. And this, my dear friends, was most distressing to Kirsten, who usually considers herself to be fairly optimistic in nature and a generally happy girl. She didn't like that she wasn't happy, even after having such a pleasant run in with that couple on the bike. So she continued walking, trying to will herself to be happy. It wasn't really working, and in fact it was making her more and more upset. She was contemplating this new discovery and realizing how often she has been "grumpy" lately. Some may have noticed, other may have not. But Kirsten has definitely noticed. And for this, she would like to apologize to all her friends and hopes that she can turn a new leaf soon and return to being the person she wants to be.

Great story, eh? Well, i happen to think it was. haha jk. But it does remind me of a Native American story. A story about how we all have two beasts inside of us, and the one that lives is the one that we fed. Starting today, i am going to focus on feeding my happy beast. (happy beast.. haha.. i'm not sure beast is exactly the right word.. but oh well)

Well, writing that story in third person was fun and it makes it easier to talk about yourself when you can separate yourself from... well.. yourself. I discovered this last weekend when i was in California. you see, my friends and i were siting around a table trying to entertain ourselves at our good friend's wedding dinner. Somehow (heaven only knows how) we started talking in third person. I'm sure you can imagine the rest and YES it was as obnoxious as it sounds.. but it was oh so much fun!

Speaking of things i learned in California... I realized something on that trip about myself. And so, of course, i shall now share that with you. I realized that i need CONSTANT signs that i am on the right path. This was especially evident while navigating around southern California's many freeways. I was always looking for the sign that would let me know that we were still on the right road. I know this seems a little strange. I mean, many times we would have gone straight for a while, no turns, no off ramps, and yet i was still worried that somehow we had gotten on a wrong road. And thats exactly what i find myself doing with my life. I need constant reminders that i am doing the right thing. Unfortunately life doesn't exactly work that way. Or at least it doesn't for me. Heavenly Father is always making me step into the darkness a little bit before he shows me where I'm going. This is a lesson that I've learned again and again, and still it always surprises me. Maybe one of these days i can finally learn that lesson and "graduate" on to something else.

so it is now 6:30 and i've been at work for over 2 hours. Slowly writing in my blog while answering all the random questions i get. I'm feeling better, happier at least, and I'm glad i have a job where i get to help people. it makes me feel so good to know that i can help them do something. After all, who doesn't like to feel needed?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

boo hoo

I just found out that I will not be receiving the 300 dollar tax rebate check because my parents claimed me as a dependent. heres the kicker though... they won't receive an extra 300 for me because I'm over the age of 17. lame huh! no one gets my $300. I know i shouldn't complain because i have sufficient amounts of money and always have enough to meet my needs... but i REALLY wanted an extra 300 to go shopping with! (insert the famous kirsten whiny voice here) (need i remind you that i ALSO ended up owing taxes to oregon because they have a higher income tax EVEN though i pay sales tax here in utah all year)

grrr. boo to tax systems that are too difficult to figure out.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

shh.. don't tell my boss

I really should be working right now. Its almost 10 oclock at the ref desk and i'm stuck here until midnight. You might be saying to yourself, well.. you are working at the ref desk, there is not much you can do, why not blog? WRONG. I was trained today in how to catalog old music scores and I'm supposed to be doing that in my free time. ALL of my free time. but (insert whining voice here) its hard and i got confused and i don't want to do it and i've been at work since 9 am this morning and.. wahh. (recomposes) okay, so life is not really that bad. I took a break for devo today as well as a break for dinner when eric came to visit (thanks eric) and i'm not feeling too burnt out yet. But i haven't written in my blog in forever and it was just so tempting to avoid working on the scores and do this. so.. here i am. and truth be told, the worst they can do is fire me and lets be honest, that would actually be a big stress relief right now, so I'm not worried.

problem: my mind just blanked. I have nothing interesting to say. this is weird

solution: I guess I can just talk about whats happened in my life in the past little while. Since my last post i have finished a semester of college (only one year left til i graduate!), moved into a new apartment (yay for being 7 minutes away from the campus library), went to my old roommates wedding(congrats jess!), planned a trip to california for another past roommate who is getting hitched (i leave on thursday! sunny beaches here i come!), started a new part time job at the ref desk(in addition to my part-time job in library instruction) and started a new relationship (... =) ...).

Life has been pretty good to say the least. I'm excited to see what the summer holds in store and SOO excited for the weather to be nice and warm. Eric and I laid outside on the grass today while I ate my dinner and it was BEAUTIFUL! I hope its still decently warm at midnight when I walk home tonight because i just realized I didn't bring a jacket. Luckily for me its only 7 minutes away!!

I love how writing can make me so happy. I'm in a good mood right now despite the fact that i'll be here for 2 more hours. Blogging was definately a good idea!