confession: I've never actually been on a real roller coaster (well, thats a lie, i went on one inside the mall of america... but...yeah. it was inside a mall). sad. i know. but let me tell you that i sure do experience enough roller coasters with my emotions to be fully satisfied. seriously. I can't even count the number of times that my emotions went up. and down. and back up. only to go back down again tonight. and all of this since getting home from work at 7 oclock. it is literally driving me crazy! I'm hoping i can get out a few thoughts before trying to go to sleep. I don't like laying in bed upset because it just brews and builds and although life looks better in the morning, it can get pretty dreary looking late at night.
Why am i in a crummy mood? I don't even know. which, in fact, is even more frustrating. I mean, i can pin point little things that contribute to my mood, but nothing major enough. It just makes me feel stupid. I'm not even PMS-ing! Although i wish i was, because that would be a good excuse. Here are a few of the things that i've let get into my head.
1....the false idea that if someone doesn't tell you something its because they don't like/don't trust you. My freshman year i recognized that one thing that is important to me/validates me is that people are willing to disclose themselves to me. I like when people trust me. it makes me feel good. and naturally, the opposite makes me feel horrible.
2...that i've lost 20 years worth of experiences with my older brother. I regret not being as close to him as i should have and i don't know how to change it. Tonight i especially felt guilty for not writing him more while he was on his mission. David will leave soon and i'm scared that i will do the same. i don't want to, but i'm afraid that my human nature will get the best of me. why am i such a wimp?
3.... eric and i were looking at some things regarding EFY and i started to feel really really jealous that i never went. It seriously looks like so much fun and i missed out on it. I also resent that it is yet another thing that i can't relate to. Eric will spend all summer being a counselor and all i can do is wish that i knew what he was experiencing and try to understand.
4.... the first thing that rubbed me the wrong way tonight (ironic that i choose to mention it last) relates to the fact that i am "the time nazi". (Elise, do you still have that drawing? you should scan it and post it). We were leaving for FHE and we were like.. 10 minutes late and i go so frustrated (sorry tausha and kait). sometimes i just need to take a chill pill.
Well, the good news is that i do feel better. There is still a pain inside of me that i can't pinpoint, its the one that makes me feel like i want to cry. hopefully it will be gone when i wake up, but i fear it won't.
ugh.. i have another thing. 5) it frustrates me that all my blogs are so negative because i only write when i need the release. it makes me sound like such a...a...girl. and ugh, i feel like i should be above that.
goal: next blog will be happier.
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4 comments:
Kirsten I love reading your blogs; I don't think they're all negative, and the parts that are have a lot of good insights and perspective, so don't worry :) AS for all the other stuff, it definitely sounds frustrating. But sometimes just writing it down and getting it out can help. Hopefully it did. You're amazing, and as for the time nazi thing, we would have never been on time to church last year if it weren't for you. So there is good that comes out of it!
i love reading your blogs too! hope that you felt better in the morning. i totally can relate to how you're feeling - crummy, with things to pin it on, but that's not what's really making you feel crummy. the only thing that makes me feel better (besides sleep, which is always good!), is doing something that makes me BREATHE again - like getting a really great hug or going for a bike ride or eating some really really good chocolate. :) good luck!
(notice I comment on everything!)
So it sadens me that you haven't experienced a real rollercoaster! So I thought, you must come visit me in tx we will go to six flags!!! great idea eh! Also, the time nazi... that is a great quality! you always got us to church on time!
haha, I can almost guarantee that I am a bigger time nazi than you are.
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