Greetings again. Its been a while, hasn't it? I'm at work at the ref desk again and decided I should take some time to write in my blog. 1) because its better than cataloging music scores and 2) because I'm sure you (my beloved fan base) have been anxiously awaiting another post and 3) because i miss writing. I'm actually quite disappointed in myself for the lack of writing so far this summer. I had grand ideas about how much I would blog and how fun it would be and how therapeutic it would be for me. I also had great expectations about how much fun summer would be in provo. How much free time i would have since I'm not in classes and how many fun things i could do outside. Now i know that the summer has just started, but I'm feeling let down. I rarely have free time, and when i do, i'm too exhausted to do much. and i have yet to play outside. Maybe my expectations were too high, maybe I'm just not motivated enough to reach them. Whatever the reason, things aren't working out as planned. and in my book, that is the worst feeling ever. Now i want to make it clear that just because they aren't working out as planned, does NOT mean they are not working out. Because they are! I really don't have much to complain about. I'm working 40 hours a week and although its tiring, i still like my job (most days). and thats a blessing in and of itself. I've just decided that i don't do well with unreached expectations. And if you know me well enough to read my blog, you probably know me well enough to know that I plan... A LOT. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to realize that I'm inevitably leading myself to disappointment.

Speaking of disappointment, I disappointed myself big time today. Here is the story:

Once upon a time there was a girl, we will call her Kirsten, and she was walking up to campus to go to work. On her way she saw many great and wondrous things. This story is about one such thing. You see, she passed by a boy and a girl riding on a bike; a tandem bike. and they looked so happy. The guy was singing "oh i wish i were an Oscar Meyer wiener" and the girl said hi to Kirsten as she walked by. They looked so happy. Well, as one might expect that catchy song instantly got stuck in Kirsten's head. It took a few minutes for her to even notice that she was singing it...over and over again. but it was when she noticed that the disappointment set in. Now you may be asking yourself, "why is that disappointing??" Well, let me tell you why. Because when Kirsten noticed the song, she also noticed that she was NOT smiling, nor was she happy. In fact, she feel like a grump. And this, my dear friends, was most distressing to Kirsten, who usually considers herself to be fairly optimistic in nature and a generally happy girl. She didn't like that she wasn't happy, even after having such a pleasant run in with that couple on the bike. So she continued walking, trying to will herself to be happy. It wasn't really working, and in fact it was making her more and more upset. She was contemplating this new discovery and realizing how often she has been "grumpy" lately. Some may have noticed, other may have not. But Kirsten has definitely noticed. And for this, she would like to apologize to all her friends and hopes that she can turn a new leaf soon and return to being the person she wants to be.

Great story, eh? Well, i happen to think it was. haha jk. But it does remind me of a Native American story. A story about how we all have two beasts inside of us, and the one that lives is the one that we fed. Starting today, i am going to focus on feeding my happy beast. (happy beast.. haha.. i'm not sure beast is exactly the right word.. but oh well)

Well, writing that story in third person was fun and it makes it easier to talk about yourself when you can separate yourself from... well.. yourself. I discovered this last weekend when i was in California. you see, my friends and i were siting around a table trying to entertain ourselves at our good friend's wedding dinner. Somehow (heaven only knows how) we started talking in third person. I'm sure you can imagine the rest and YES it was as obnoxious as it sounds.. but it was oh so much fun!

Speaking of things i learned in California... I realized something on that trip about myself. And so, of course, i shall now share that with you. I realized that i need CONSTANT signs that i am on the right path. This was especially evident while navigating around southern California's many freeways. I was always looking for the sign that would let me know that we were still on the right road. I know this seems a little strange. I mean, many times we would have gone straight for a while, no turns, no off ramps, and yet i was still worried that somehow we had gotten on a wrong road. And thats exactly what i find myself doing with my life. I need constant reminders that i am doing the right thing. Unfortunately life doesn't exactly work that way. Or at least it doesn't for me. Heavenly Father is always making me step into the darkness a little bit before he shows me where I'm going. This is a lesson that I've learned again and again, and still it always surprises me. Maybe one of these days i can finally learn that lesson and "graduate" on to something else.

so it is now 6:30 and i've been at work for over 2 hours. Slowly writing in my blog while answering all the random questions i get. I'm feeling better, happier at least, and I'm glad i have a job where i get to help people. it makes me feel so good to know that i can help them do something. After all, who doesn't like to feel needed?